you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
