I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
