You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
