nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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