If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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