Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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