So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
