I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
