The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
