i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
