is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
