and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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