nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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