I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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