I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
