Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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