i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
