In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I think my fart just growled at me.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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