I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
His nipple licking is glorious
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