how can u be prego again
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
