3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
