She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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