Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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