dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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