I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
