I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
