yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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