my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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