so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
