I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
my poor anus
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
