i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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