The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I want to fling myself into the sun
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
