Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
