This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Randomize
