Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
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