The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
