Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
