I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
