I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Randomize
