Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
