i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
