Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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