Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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