She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
