I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
