whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
