I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
