My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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