the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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