she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
