Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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